


I think I love you (no more)

by ailend



Series: Toxicity [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Depression, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-04-26 09:20:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4999297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ailend/pseuds/ailend
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard for Ai to continue like this. He is not being himself and he hates himself for it. It's not enough that Rin loves him back. It will never be enough. Ai knows, because he is greedy like that.</p><p>Rin is confused, but he is going to make sure he understands what Ai is trying to say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I think I love you (no more)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His heart is full with feelings of love, but his head is too full with what ifs. He can't take the strain further. He is slipping away from himself. Ai knows that if he continues it any longer, then it would be at the cost of himself.

Nitori Aiichirou has been standing in front of the door for several minutes, eyes staring at nothing almost unblinkingly. As time ticks by, his determination is wavering. He feels dizzy. His heart is full with feelings of love, but his head is too full with what ifs. He can't take the strain further. He is slipping away from himself. Ai knows that if he continues it any longer, then it would be at the cost of himself. He will lose himself, and he doesn't like that. It makes him feel shittier than he already is.

For weeks he has been losing sleep over it, his heart and brain is going at it and he- Ai chokes up. His breath coming out short and quick. He closes his eyes for a moment and tries to regulate his breath.

Shit. He thinks.  _Shit_. He is not going to cry. Ai strengthens his determination and knocks.

"Senpai? Are you busy?"

It's okay if he sounds a little shaky. It's okay, he tells himself. He will get over it, the sooner the better. It's not like Rin will be around for much longer time. This is better for him, and for Rin. He is not going to burden him any longer.

Yeah, this is better. He tries to cheer himself for this decision.

Ai stands still in front of Rin and Sousuke's dormitory, quietly waiting for the door to be opened. Rin has asked him to wait.

"Yes, Ai?" Rin opens the door, slightly breatheless from whatever thing he did behind the door.

Ai steps inside anxiously, hands wringing together. He notices someone is using the bathroom. Sousuke. He doesn't like the direction his mind is going.

Stop it, he reprimands himself mentally. _Rin said he loves you! And you are going to-_

"Ai?"

He flinches when Rin pokes his forehead. "Wha- what, senpai?" His hand goes to rub his forehead. He looks accusingly at Rin. "Senpai!"

Rin, for his part, only look mildly apologetic and says, "I asked, why are you looking for me?"

"Uh-"

"Hey, Rin, are you using my shampoo again?" comes the muffled voice of Sousuke from the bathroom.

"No way." Rin clicks his tongue in annoyance. "For whatever dumb reason, you put it on the bottom rack under the sink." He looks at Ai, who is wringing his hands again. "Ai, are you okay?"

"Uhm, yes?" Ai answers, eyes avoiding Rin's. "Uhmm, I forget what I wanted to say actually. Uhm-"

Rin narrows his own before it widens. "Oh, wait! We are going to watch Totoro movie together, right? Here?"

Sousuke comes out from the bathroom. "You can," he says, nonchalantly going for his wardrobe and pulling out a teal sweatshirt. "I'll go to your room," he says to Ai.

Ai looks up but immediately looks back down when he sees the towel hanging low on Sousuke's waist. His mind is swirling with things he can't controlled and he hates himself a little bit more. "Uhm, it's okay, Sousuke-senpai. Momo went out with his friend and said something about sleeping over, so we can watch it in my room."

"Well, if that's what you want. Anyway, Rin, think I'll go out for awhile, do you need anything?" Sousuke pulls the sweatshirt on and reaches out for his jeans next.

Rin looks at Ai, worry etched on his face. Something is not right with Ai, but he couldn't actually put finger on what is bothering the younger man. "Uh, no," he answers somewhat distractedly, still looking at his boyfriend. "I'll text you if I change my mind."

"Okay." Sousuke grabs his wallet and smartphone, then walks out.

The room is silence for a whole beat before Rin turns his full attention to the younger man, who visibly tenses. "Ai?"

"Uhm, uhm-" Ai feels his throat getting constricted with incomprehensible feeling. "Senpai. I'll- room- back- first." He turns away immediately and almost makes it to the door if not for Rin holding him back by his wrist.

Rin turns Ai around and reaches up to tilt his chin up. The bright blue eyes are looking back at him. "Ai? Hey," Rin says gently, "Speak to me, please."

Ai's eyes start watering, his lips trembling slightly. "I- I-" He straightens himself and steps back. He bows deeply. _This is it._ He takes a deep breath.

"Please, break up with me senpai!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh, cliffy end! This fic is partly inspired by Asou Kai's doujinshi Ao toka Aka toka Kuro toka. This is a _"what if?" AU twist_ from that setting, but not a continuation from it. It's partly inspired by other things, too.


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